All of us have come across self-centred, bullying and at times abusive people at work. These toxic people make our lives miserable by the way they interact with us so much so that many of us fear walking in to work or resign rather than deal with such people.
We see them not only at work but also on the political stage. They tell us openly – It’s my way or the Highway. In many ways, they let us know that if we don’t do as they say, they will get rid of you. Besides bullying and abusing you, they will lie, cheat, manipulate and harass you and your colleagues.
Lets get this straight – you will not change them – not now or ever. (Changing them will require them to become self-aware of how they affect others and then work with a therapist for a number of years! Seriously!) If you want to stay sane or stay in the job for any length of time, you will need to change yourself. You will need to manage them and learn some coping skills so that you don’t go home a shattered wreck or run into traffic! (which may also mean learning strategies for self-care)
The three most common and painful sorts of workplace personalities are Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists. These three types have one common trait – an absolute lack of empathy. They also do not take into account others’ point of view. Their viewpoint and motives are all that matter. How do these types develop? Is it genetic or related to upbringing and environment? The jury is still debating that.
Psychopaths – They seem to have very shallow emotions. Some have to practice long and hard to look sad or sympathetic or guilty. (We all know a politician, colleague or boss who does this well). They will also lie convincingly to protect themselves. Often they do it so adeptly that it casts a shadow on your work and actions thus allowing them to get off scot free. They are society’s great manipulators.
People like this seem to have little fear and don’t seem to care about consequences. They are actually more impulsive and can be chaotic inside (and perhaps outside). They can be very charming like Ted Bundy (the serial killer in the US) because they don’t have deep connections or close friends. They are risk-takers and get away for a long time with the risks they take but they can wreak havoc in management roles.
TIP: If you suspect someone is a psychopath never give any personal information to them because they will use it against you. Keep an emotional distance from these people. Often they will try to get close to you to wheedle out personal information but keep saying NO.
Psychopaths form 2% of the general population and over 60% of the prison population. Many murderers insist they are innocent and would not harm anyone etc while plotting more crimes.
Narcissists – As the name suggests, their biggest quality is grandiosity. Like a President we know! Grandiosity means they don’t see you as a person but as someone to be manipulated into adoring them. They have a distorted view of themselves and the world. They have an inner fragility (a shell covers their innermost being which is about not being good or good enough). This likely stems from sometime in their childhood years when they felt or were told they were not good enough. Often in therapy or counselling, this emerges when they are taken back to their childhood; however the therapist discovers that by their teenage years they have become marvellous! (They have grown the fragile shell to cover their low self-esteem).
They will go out of their way to tell you how wonderful they are/were. Many unlikely stories will emerge: how they helped famous people, made a $3 million profit within the first 6 months for their company. You will hear phrases such as ‘many years of experience’ or ‘saved the organisation’ but they fail to take any responsibility for things that went wrong. They will take all the credit including work others have done but they will never admit to any flaw or weakness.
They will make you look stupid and incompetent if you try to show them up. They always blame others for any defect or shortfall or failure. The narcissist will put you down in front of others if you try to show them up. They have had years of experience in putting people down and are adept at it.
TIP: When dealing with narcissists, think of your end game. What is your aim in your job or role? If it is your boss and you want to impress him/her work cautiously. Summon all your empathy and understanding. If not, they will get more grandiose (and cunning in their manipulation). Do not make them appear incompetent. But be clear in your facts and what you want. It may be ok if you are their manager or colleague. If not, the narcissist may feel threatened by you. So make sure you give them positive strokes till you achieve your end game. Collect a whole lot of facts, figures, emails (with date-stamps) and a timeline by which you can prove facts to your manager. But if they are managing you, they will steal your ideas and say it is their own and then heaven help you. The best thing would be to find another job and get out
Sociopaths (also called Machiavellis) – have a lack of feeling for others ( you wonder if they are human). As Brad Parks (author of Do Nothing) remarks – they are like houses where everything has been constructed, plumbing put in, and electricity wired but perhaps the electrician forgot to make the final connection to whatever makes us human, leaving the entire building dark and not fit for human occupation.
Many sociopaths are also deeply narcissistic at their core. Sometimes they may show some emotion, say regret over being caught or a fear of punishment, because no one likes them. (Like psychopaths these people don’t care about morality. They also lack empathy.
However, they have perspective (unlike the psychopaths). They lie; they manipulate; they have shallow emotions and can be very cynical but not charming. They have a dismissive attitude towards morality unlike psychopaths.
Never do a sociopath a favour – neither small or even big ones. They will use it to get their foot in the door. Once in, they keep pushing till they are firmly in. Be useless to them so they leave you alone. And get out of their way
TIP: If you are dealing with a sociopath, in order to get some clarity and perspective for yourself – try telling your story regarding what is happening, with a timeline and events to a friend to get an unbiased point of view and firm foundation. Sociopaths often boast about their puppet-master skills. If you come across one, listen to your intuition, heed your experience and run. Find another job.
Work Strategies to deal with the Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists
- Please don’t be passive-aggressive e.g. leaving posted notes around saying ‘get lost’ or even aggressive notes saying ‘f…off’
- Do be clear and factual when you communicate with them. (And keep notes of what you say and do) Use emails with such people as they try to bully or stand over you. They often undermine good communications in a good team.
- Don’t be avoidant in your dealings. (They can work it out and will bully you more)
- Remember the values that are important in your life, whatever they are – integrity, decency, honesty, reliability, kindness. Live by these values even when surrounded by such toxicity.
- Don’t indulge in alcohol, drugs or overwork.
- Take good care of yourself as you try to stay sane. Self-care is within your control.
- If you can take up the practice of mindfulness, meditation, yoga regular exercise, then do so.
- Eat good wholesome food, have regular exercise and aim for minimal (or very low) stress in life.
- Take time out to do regular self-reflection such as: Who am I? What do I want in life? Am I living my life in the way I want my family to remember me? What is preventing me now?
Think of what you want said in your eulogy or funeral service. Would you like it said “He/She worked long hours and endured a lot of stress. Or he/she wrote a lot of snide remarks and nasty posted notes.”
Remember the body breaks down after 3 or 6 months of constant stress. And difficult people like sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists can be very stressful.
So the moment you recognise such a person in your workplace or team start planning your Escape. They are not going to change. You will need to change yourself.
