So many of us have grown up in chaotic, troubled, rigid, judgemental, punitive, non-loving , perfectionistic, controlling conditions – to a smaller or larger degree. Our feelings, reactions, observations and needs have often been repressed or sublimated in order to meet the needs and demands of family and the community in which our family is based. As children and then as grown-ups we long to have our own needs met with love, kindness and support. This may result in emotional and psychological stress which manifests itself in stress-related illnesses e.g. depression, anxiety, panic, mood swings, others with dysfunctions of bodily organs or even in deep aches and pains. Due to negative feelings about oneself, many people also exhibit the signs of co-dependence including chronic unhappiness, inability to have healthy, long-lasting relationships, as well as various forms of chemical and alcohol dependence.
We need to understand the essential differences between the two feelings? Why?
Because understanding the differences could help us to start dismantling our negative self-judgments.
Basically, the roots of all these conditions can be traced back to childhood. Living in families where the rules may have been chaotic, unpredictable, inconsistent, arbitrary on one hand or punitive, rigid, perfectionistic, controlling on the other. Children internalise these conditions; they begin to think that this quite routine and normal because they have no external comparisons. Such experiences (invasion and threats to the psyche, body and values) often lead to the denial or suppression of valid feelings of anger, hurt, pain in children and adults. Valid unexpressed anger may then take the form of abuse of self and others, anti-social behaviour, chronic and stress-related illnesses. These (chaotic, rigid, unpredictable et al) conditions are often seen in or experienced as follows:
- Physical and emotional abuse which teaches the child ‘don’t feel’ and comes out as shame or guilt
- Sexual abuse (very similar) teaches the child shame, guilt, distrust of people and losing control
- Repeated and regular crises which teaches the child a ‘crisis’ orientation to life
- Closed communication (or closing down the child’s voice) e.g. don’t talk, don’t tell others, or denial
- Loss of control which teaches the child obsession with control, loss of a sense of boundaries in self and relationships and also leads to a loss of growing up as an authentic, real individual
There is so much to cover so I am going to stick to the feelings of shame and guilt that many adults feel who undergo bad experiences e.g. sexual and emotional/psychological abuse as seen in current experiences of children who suffered in religious institutions and women in media who have been sexually harassed. Please note similar or identical feelings are common in people abused in the context of family and domestic violence.
Shame is a feeling or emotion which is both an experience and a process that happens to us (as a person). Shame often goes hand in hand with low self-esteem and is usually felt by people growing up in a dysfunctional family. The way the shame manifests may be differently in different people but nearly all are trying to adapt to the shame they feel in their own way.
But let’s not confuse shame with guilt. There is a big difference.
Guilt comes from doing something which violates or goes against a personal value such as hurting someone else or breaking an agreement we had made or breaking the law. So guilt is about behaviour – having done something wrong or not having done something that we should have done.
Guilt can be a useful emotion because it tells us that our conscience is alive. It can help guide our relationship with our inner selves and beliefs as well as with others around us. This can be termed ‘healthy’ guilt and allows us to correct our mistakes and resolve our conflicts. Then there is ‘unhealthy’ guilt which ruins our peace of mind, our ability to function and negatively impacts our mental, spiritual and emotional growth and development. (People who never feel guilt or remorse after doing something wrong are said to have anti-social personality disorders.)
Guilt can be easier to recognise and resolve. In its simplest form, the person can apologise for having caused harm or pain to the person with whom they had a trusting relationship. As far as ‘unhealthy’ guilt is concerned, this is more complex and needs therapy and counselling.
Shame is the painful feeling that we have because we think that part of us is bad, defective, inadequate, or a failure. In contrast to guilt, where we feel bad for having done something wrong, shame comes from believing that we are wrong or bad in ourselves. So while guilt can be corrected or forgiven, shame seems a dead-end because we believe we are bad.
All of us who are humans experience shame of some sort or the other. However, we can work through it (with therapist or specialised help) and finally let it go because if we don’t, shame can accumulate, pile up and burden us totally.
Often, shame makes us believe that we are not only defective but that others can see through us and the facade we have erected. Many of us feel the isolation and loneliness of this shame, believing that if we told someone about this feeling these others would think we are bad and hopeless. So people not only keep the shame to themselves but they also block it out or pretend it is not there. Others disguise the shame as some other feeling or action and then project that onto others around them. Many of our feelings and actions mask that shame i.e.
Uncontrolled anger; Bitter resentment; Rage; Contempt; Blame; Attack; Control; Perfectionism; Withdrawal; Disappointment; Abandonment; and many forms of Compulsive Behaviour.
Some behaviours are defences when people are feeling shame e.g. head hung down, slumped down dejectedly, avoiding eye contact, apologising for having personal needs and rights, feeling cold and withdrawn, confused and sometimes nauseated.
Where does the shame come from? As we grow up we get many negative messages, beliefs and rules from the authority figures in our society such as our parents, family members, people in authority like teachers and clergy. The messages strike deep within our psyche telling us we are not alright, that we are bad for being that way. How many of us have heard messages such as “You are a bad/wicked child”, “Shame on You”, “You are not good enough” (the way we are). I heard a 60 year old man cry because he remembered his father snapping at him when he was 10 years old (after he had broken his leg), “You are useless to me now. Your brother will have to pick up at being the football star in the family”.
As children we hear these messages again and again from the people we are dependent on and to whom we are so vulnerable, and we begin to believe them. We incorporate or internalise this message into the depths of our being. And to compound the deep psychological injury this has caused, we also hear negative rules that stifle healthy emotional development such as “Don’t cry”, ‘Don’t ask questions’, ‘Don’t contradict me (parent or teacher)’, ‘Don’t betray the family’, ‘Don’t express your feelings’, ‘don’t be a wuss’, ‘children should be seen not heard’, ‘there is no need to feel like that’, ‘be good/nice/perfect’, ‘be a credit to me’ (parent). This tells us that our authentic feelings are bad but also that we should not feel painful emotions or even talk about it.
We have two big examples these days in the media. The first is of the children who suffered sexual abuse at the hands of some church clergy or religious people in a wide variety of religions and denominations. When these children complained, many were not heard or even believed by their parents, their teachers, the police or the community. Their hurt and pain then went inwards and they felt ‘shame’ to talk about the issue which had caused them such egregious physical and emotional harm. Many felt that they must have brought on the extreme behaviour that they experienced because they must have been at fault. That was totally wrong. It is their rights, ‘innocence’ and vulnerability which were violated as were their bodies and minds. These abused children then carried around what they felt was a ‘shameful secret’ for years. Why shameful and secretive? Because they could not ask questions or express their concerns and feelings.
The second example is of women in the media, news-reporting and politics who are coming forward to tell their stories of being assaulted and violated by both big names in their industry as well as just plain others who worked in their workplaces. (I am using the example of women because they are in the majority though many men have had similar experiences.) Many of them feel shame because when they reported the assault they were not believed while many kept it hidden feeling they would not be believed. Many felt that they had done something to bring this abuse on themselves (which is not true at all). It was a combination (in my view) of women feeling bad/defective/inadequate in themselves and the negative rules that they have had given to them: being told to shut up and not make waves, ‘not to wash dirty laundry in public’, ‘you must have brought it on’ etc.
Many of these survivors of abuse with their unearned ‘shame’ and ‘shameful secret’ went on to have lives filled with depression, anxiety, poor relationships and often engaged in addictive and compulsive behaviour. Their boundaries were violated and instead of being loved, supported and helped to heal they were made to feel shame or feel like victims but not own up to authentic emotions of anger, fear, disgust as what was done to them. (Healthy relationships are open and flexible and allow people to fulfil their own and their partners’ needs and rights while supporting healthy individuals to advance to mental, emotional and spiritual growth.)
When people live lives of ‘shame’ , they may get into co-dependent situations where they focus on the needs of others (instead of their own needs and feelings), and they feel that something is missing in their lives. They become stressed, anxious, and often times numb to their feelings. Many are afraid to express their true feelings because they have been rejected or made to feel bad. So they become removed from their inner, authentic selves and instead ‘defend’ themselves by engaging in compulsive and sometimes addictive behaviours e.g. overuse of alcohol, drugs, over-eating, over-working, over-spending, engaging in series of abusive short-term relationships. We behave in a compulsive manner so as to get relief from the tension, numbness and suffering even though some shame is involved. It helps us to feel the aliveness for a short while which shame often damps down.
Can we ‘cure’ shame and related feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem?
Yes, but it is not easy. It involves coming out in a safe and supportive environment to work with and share our stories of pain, shame and hurt with a respected counsellor or therapist. We need to share our past, our strengths and weaknesses – take it out from the private, inner domain, give it voice and bring it to the outside in a safe and supportive environment (Please do not share with anyone and unqualified people because their reactions may cause your psyche more damage). Why? Because we cannot heal shame on its own without giving voice and having recourse to specialised help; we actually need to share our stories to help ourselves. Supportive, trusted and ‘qualified’ counsellors (or a therapy group set up for this purpose) can help to validate our pain and dreadful experiences, and accept us as we are. When we hear others’ stories and share the shame they are feeling, we help them to begin healing. And when we do so, it helps us as well. We come to the point of practicing unconditional love and support towards others just as they accept and support us.
Besides counselling and therapy, one can find relief in self-care and some somatic practices. If you feel ‘shame’ and hurt because of past experiences, begin to give it a name and recognise it. Some immediate body-based (somatic) practices are:
- Take a number of slow, deep breaths because this helps relieve the confusion, numbness and ambivalent feelings. It also allows us to become aware of ourselves (as we are in the current moment) and acknowledge our feelings.
- Walk around and look at the scenery and get in touch with the reality around us. This helps us to lose some of the paralysis and stuckness (inability to move, often freezing in place) which often overcomes people with ‘shameful secrets’ or ‘unhappy pasts’. And if you are in an enclosed place (or with a lot of people around) and can’t move, try scraping your feet back and forth or tapping your hands and feet. The motion helps to counteract the feeling of stuckness.
- If the feeling of shame overcomes us, it is often because the person we are with is reminding us of the past abuse by their abusive or controlling behaviour. That is acting as the trigger. So another tactic may be to ‘leave’ that person or the presence of that person as soon as we can. If you can’t, then stand up, grab your car keys or bus/train pass as a symbol of your ability and will to get away from them.
(Material researched and gathered from books by Whitfield, C. ‘Healing the Child Within’, ‘Boundaries & Relationships’, ‘Memory & Abuse’; Fischer, B. ‘Workshop on Shame’; Bradshaw, J. ‘Healing the Shame that Binds you’, ‘The Family’ and ‘Family Secrets’; Mellody, P. ‘Facing Co-dependence’, ‘Facing Love Dependence’ and ‘Breaking Free’; plus two great books by Alice Miller – ‘The drama of the Gifted Child’ and ‘For your own good: Hidden cruelty in Child-rearing and the Roots of Violence’)